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April 01, 2009

Valley of the Dolls

Valley of the Dolls? Valley of the Dolls.

By Andrew

This was posted as part of the Third Annual White Elephant Film Blogathon.

Writing a review of this movie must have been a lot like writing the screenplay--where both writers desperately ask themselves: “where do I go with this turd?” Sure the novel was shocking and frank in a way that makes Erica Jong look like Beverly Cleary, but at its nature it was an extended trash novel capitalizing off Hollywood trainwrecks like Marilyn Monroe and Judy Garland. And the movie? Sure it's poorly constructed and Patty Duke's crooning elicits howls from the neighborhood dogs, but at its core, the it's just confusing and boring.

In fact, what redeems the movie from complete obscurity is Susann's novel which chronicles the rise and fall of New York City's boy-crazy stage women. The book is so chalk full of drama it makes it all the more hilarious that the movie is a PG-13 quasi-musical devoid of any of the sexual conquests and pitfalls which made the novel such a page-turner. Granted, we almost-kinda-not-really see Sharon Tate's and Barbara Parkin's tits, the movie ends up looking like a low budget cross between Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and All About Eve with about as much SEXY factor as an episode of Gilligan's Island.

So? Where do I go with this turd?

In a way that almost seems hostile, Susann's novel was adapted to the big screen with wild abandon towards accuracy--often misquoting dialogue and stripping the female characters of any sense of empowerment the novel may have given them. Maybe I'm just as guilty of misinterpretation, but Valley of the Dolls: The Movie breaks new ground in banality and has me asking: why couldn't I have gotten Miami Vice?

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