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April 02, 2009

Hard Rock Zombies

Bad Pop Zombie

By Guest

This was posted as part of the Third Annual White Elephant Film Blogathon.

How do I even begin to explain this movie?” How indeed. To whoever threw this movie in the digital hat, I salute you sir. Truly, you are a worthy adversary. I would honestly rather have my scrotum skinned and then be dropped in a kiddie pool full of lime juice. Marinate on that thought.

I’m going to give this a shot anyway.

First of all, let’s get one thing clear: there is no Hard Rock in this movie. Every song is an iconic representation of just how sucky 80’s pop used to be. Got it? Good. Thankfully, the zombie quota is filled, but I’ll come back to that later. For now, let’s just try and see if we can make some kind of sense out of this.

*Deep Breath*

The movie opens with two morons picking up a beautiful hitchhiker, who eventually (and single-handedly) drowns them both while skinny-dipping. We then jump to our heroes, the members of the rock band Holy Moses. After performing a show in god-knows-where, the lead singer Jesse receives an ominous warning from Cassie, a cute but weird as hell teenager who tells him his band shouldn’t perform their next scheduled gig. Their brand of “wild music” isn’t welcome in Cassie’s podunk little town, and her father will apparently be part of the opposition. Naturally the warning is ignored; there will be a big record exec at the show, and they can’t miss their shot at stardom. So, the carefree boys of Holy Moses make their way into the shitstorm.

On the way we learn that Jesse has learned a song that is supposed to bring the dead back to life, which we see works when a squashed mosquito is revived every time he plays. Remember this. They pick up our beautiful hitchhiker, who invites the guys to crash at her family’s mansion while they’re in town. There they see all the cliché eerie signals that would tell anybody else to get the fuck out of Dodge: one of her two midget sons pranks them with a real severed hand, uncle Nazi chopping the heads off chickens with an axe and best of all, the sounds of her werewolf mother howling in the attic. Awesome.

I need to take a minute to point out even more awesomeness: the random music videos that are sprinkled throughout this film. This is about a band, of course, but I’m referring more to the timing and the content. The guys prance and dance around in a series of music videos that make them look like the male version of Bananarama… once again, no hard rock. Honestly, these shitty videos take up almost thirty minutes of a 90 minute film.

Our band shows up in town, music video style and gets to know the locals. After running into Cassie, Jessie meets her dad, as well as the town’s council and sheriff, who hauls the boys off to jail for possession – of a van. After Cassie’s futile attempt to bail them out with $37, we inexplicably jump to hitchhiker girl’s parents in bed having sex. Her midget sons walk in, begging to watch, and finally grandpa says its all good, as long as they don’t touch. Important note: Grandpa is 95 years old, but looks 55 thanks to the vitamins he’s been taking. Are you keeping up? Cool. I’m not.

After hitchhiker girl bails the guys out, Jesse gives Cassie a ring as a token of his love before heading back to the mansion to rehearse for the big show. Before they start to perform a song in front of the family, the bassist is kind enough to foretell exactly how every member of the band will die. Thanks, douche. Then the electrical system goes haywire, and the boys are almost zapped to death by “faulty wiring”. The hilarity of the psycho family’s sincere apology is made even funnier by the fact that the sound guy’s boom mike plunges into the shot, not once, but twice. Do some pushups, man.

Things start to really go bad when the city council outlaws suggestive music and night descends on the mansion. The family begins to off the members of Holy Moses, one by one. The gore in HRZ is just sad. The drummer gets into the shower to have a quickie with hitchhiker girl, right? They’re both completely naked, and when she pulls a knife (from where I don’t know; probably her cooch) to stab him to death, it looks incredibly awkward because she’s suddenly bashful, and has to cover herself up with one hand. For some reason, werewolf grandma dual wields switchblades to cut the keyboardist’s guts out… why does a werewolf need switch -- fuck it. There are a ton of unexplainable scenes here; this is just a prime example. Here’s another one. Cassie runs (seemingly teleports) to the mansion to warn Jesse that her father is bringing a posse out to kill him soon, but they’re interrupted when uncle Nazi pins Jesse’s hands to a tree with lawn darts and shreds his chest with a weedwacker. Lawn darts? Really? Jesse, you’re such a bitch. By the way, the death of the entire band happens during a funky music video montage that I won’t even bother to rationalize.

But I haven’t even gotten to the BEST PART OF THE MOVIE! After the boys are all dead, 95-year old grandpa reveals to Holy Moses’ manager that he’s the mastermind behind the council’s outlaw on all music in town… oh, and that’s he’s also ADOLF fucking HITLER. He made a deal with Harry Truman, and he’s been in hiding in California under a new alias ever since, waiting 40 years for the right time to conquer the world. He’s got a mountain cave full of fatal poison gas that he’ll use to continue his life’s work: screwing up the entire world, starting with the west coast. Silly Germans.

Cassie sits by Jesse’s grave, confessing her undying (see what I did there) love for a man she’s barely known two days before playing a recording of his new record – conveniently, a rock version of the resurrection song Jesse has been jamming to all film. The band rises from their graves as zombies, complete with KISS face paint and new outfits. They’ve been hell bent on playing a gig in this town, so what’s a lack of vital signs got to do with it, right?

Of course they have to get revenge and pay the family back. They don't talk anymore, but at one point, the bassist and the keyboardist actually high five each other after killing grandma werewolf. Then, the now deceased Nazi family rises up as newly made zombies -- that’s right, grandma is now a werewolf and a zombie -- just in time to greet the town’s anti-music posse. My favorite part is when Hitler bites a guy’s cheek off and spits it out before he rips his head off with his bare hands; I had to watch it six times before the laughter stopped and I could move on.

The zombie Nazi family and the town posse are now running amok; converting almost everyone they come across. Meanwhile, Holy Moses makes it to the venue to perform for the record exec, who is a complete tool but loves the show. My head hurts when I try to understand how none of the zombies can talk, yet Jesse can sing his jailbait song tribute to Cassie. The zombified townsfolk, arrive at the venue to jam when they all spot still human Cassie and run her off, while her man Jesse continues to rock out, oblivious.

The surviving human townsfolk, along with Holy Moses’ manager, band together and learn of a way to stop the zombies: they have to offer a virgin to the ghouls, who will ravish her, then eat her before going back to sleep for 100 years. Hmmm, virgin, virgin… of course! A fleeing Cassie somehow runs directly to their safehouse, where they carry her off to sacrifice to the zombies.

Holy Moses’ manager, desperate to save our virgin, runs back to the graves of his undead band, where they have returned to after finishing their set. He screams and hollers for them to help, then finally pulls out the ring Jessie gave to Cassie. Ah, the power of love. Totally gay. Holy Moses rises again, and just as the Hitler-led mob is about to pounce on her, the band shows up, playing the resurrection song. How the hell did they know what to do? The crowd turns its attention to the band, giving the manager time to free Cassie. Remember Hitler’s mountain cave of poison gas? It just so happens to be right next to Cassie’s sacrificial altar. I know, small world, right? The band draws the zombies into the cave, which the manager and Cassie lock and flood the mountain chamber with gas, somehow killing people who already shouldn't be breathing. Oh, and the boys of Holy Moses survives the gas attack, then crawl back into their graves. Ugh. I hate this movie.

Clearly, Hard Rock Zombies doesn't take itself seriously. There are a million little inside jokes and jabs that are simply just not funny. Most of the shots (like the one with the clearly visible boom mike) were probably done in one take. In fact, at one point the manager even says, “God, I feel like I’m in a cheap movie.” Truer words were never spoken, friend. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Hitler married a werewolf and has midget grandsons! I’m sitting in front of a laptop, wringing my hands because I don't even see the point of critiquing this. The acting (naturally) stinks, the transition from scene to scene is atrocious, and if you’re wondering why I’ve neglected mentioning the special effects in a zombie movie, it’s because I’m trying to do you a favor. You’ll never meet me, but thank me nonetheless. Everyone who worked on this movie should be put in front of a firing squad.

There’s a good reason I took the time to tell you about this movie: you should never watch it. Ever. But where’s the fun in that? If you even bother to take the time, please: watch it with a friend. And alcohol. Otherwise you’ll turn this off right at the point of the first music video, where they spray underage kids and a baby with beer. Hilarious!

Shaka Shervington is an aspiring fantasy writer, knife-thrower, arsonist and starship captain who enjoys visiting brothels and bitch slapping blue-faced women... ok, everything except the last adjective is a lie, but his pimp hand is still way strong. Look for his handiwork in a Borders or B&N bookstore in oh say, 4 years.

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